Currently Reading I Never Promised You a Rose Garden By Joanne Greenberg see related

  Well okay, stupid diaryland is sucking again!  I may be going back to this one.  woot woot.  we'll see.  I'm not a big fan of these diary things lately in general.  so yea.  just trying this one out.

MOVING TO DIARYLAND.

to continue reading go to

http://kramerachel.diaryland.com

So yea, still issues going on here.  I just want all my friends to know that I thank them for all their support.  I might not show my feelings well, but I love ya girls.  I feel as if I just keep hurting everyone.  I don't mean to, its just so hard.  I'm trying.  I have support some places, and I'm missing it at home.  My parents don't seem to understand how I feel.  I try to talk to them about it, and they just shake it off.  They don't talk to me about it, they just pretend its not real.  I'm scared.  I'm freaking out because I talked to nurse judy in camp today, and well I think Melissa knows now too.  I'm really freaking out about it, because its not something I need the whole world to be aware of.  Its quite embarrassing.  I feel as if this whole thing just won't go away.  No matter how hard I try to convince myself about the things that I freak out about, I can't seem to pull away from these habits.  What hurts me the most is that I'm hurting other people.  Maybe I shouldn't be writting this on here.  OH well what the hell who cares...

Well a lot has happened over the past few days.  I broke up with Kenny.  That was a thing that was waiting to happen for a while.  I got into this really bad mood, and shit of that sort.  All of my friends are convinced that I'm anorexic, but I'm definately not, I just haven't been eating as much as maybe i should.  But they say that I'm very skinny "too skinny" but according to my doc I'm average weight for my height and that I'm fine.  Just want my friends to know I am eating more, and that I am healthy... thanks Dr. Frank.  So I lost a little weight, I'm allowed to aren't I.  So I lost weight in my boobs.  Like i'm probably b/n a B and and A, but thats really not far off considering my mom is an A.  I wasn't -really naturally a B-C.  Perhaps this whole thing is because I'm worried about going to college.  I want to look my best, be my best, and just do well.  I'm constantly rating myself on the amount of attention I can get from guys, so when I don't get attention from them I freak.  I shouldn't be one to do this, but thats the way I've been for a while, i just don't like admitting to it.  Its just been a month of feeling unattractive.  Thats the thing, i have such a scewed image of myself. If only I could look in the mirror and see the true me, because I don't really seem to see it.  Maybe i just have to accept my appearance more.  I can't be some super-model. :( heh. 

Later,                       Rachel